With these few lines, I would like to share my story with you. What I have been through, how it did affect me, what I learnt from it. And why today I want to work with people on their journey to get the very best from themselves and from others.
I first became a manager in June 2018. For some reasons, I always felt that I would be great at management. Maybe because of my empathy and (over?) sensitivity? Or because I always tried to see the beauty in people? Or may be just genetically: my mother is a psychologist and my father a coach. Doesn’t matter so much, I had the immense feeling that my self-realization would have to go through helping others to self-realize.
But everything went so different than I expected.
In January 2019, 6 months after I had taken the role, people in my team were unhappy, disengaged, talking behind my back and some were seriously thinking of leaving.
It was really tough for me. How come was I struggling so much while trying my best so hard. The lovely imposter syndrome was growing day by day and I started to think that I was just not made for management at all. One day, out of desperation, I decided to share everything I had on my heart with my team.
“I feel lost. I feel like I’ve tried everything to get you excited about what we do, done my best to give you cool projects but I'm failing. I want you to tell me what I can do better, differently, I really need your help”.
While I thought lowering down my guard and being vulnerable would make my team consider me as a weak and insecure leader it actually turned out to be the opposite.
For the first time, opening up to my team, they had the chance to see who I really was, what I was going through and empathize with me.
I realized they valued a lot my vulnerability and openness. They valued me, asking for feedback. I saw on their faces that they were looking at me differently already. I saw some respect and a lot of energy to build upon what we had discussed.
A couple of months after this meeting, I can say with confidence that my team was at its best. Energies were liberated. Feedback was given freely between members, to me and from me. Feedback is actually something people were craving for. Everyone wanted to know where they could improve, do better, grow. The amount of work we were capable of dealing with was INSANE - we all had a client portfolio three times the size of what we would usually have. The team had doubled size, was performing like never before and our passion started to be infectious throughout the whole company.
Other Team Leaders from our company would start to come to me and ask what made our team so special and performing so well.
But what did change from my first 6 months as a manager? What was I doing so wrong?
The first 6 months, I would describe my management style as follow:
Reading Kim Scott’s book “Radical Candor”, I realized I was right into the “ruinous empathy” square!
I was “trying to be “nice” in an effort to spare people’s feelings — by not saying what needs to be said, by lying, or by just offering a verbal pat on the back.”
Let’s be honest, I was super scared of giving feedback. Super scared that my feedback would be wrong, super scared of what people would think of me. I lacked courage.
Reading the book, I realized that my behavior was actually quite common. And talking about it around me, I realized most people actually struggle to say what they want.
Reading more books and experimenting with my team, I realized that it’s not about “giving the right feedback”. I realized it’s about sharing what you see that you think could be done differently and then talking about it. As obviously not all feedback is right and should be applied. But turning those feedback sessions into discussions, I was asking a lot more questions and being a lot more curious about why things were being done this way. Listening to the answers sometimes, I could change my mind before I would even give feedback. And sometimes, me asking those questions first, some team members could realize a better way of doing it without me having to say anything.
Of course sometimes there were things that had to be said. But they were way easier to talk about. Through our vulnerability, we had created a safe space for people to be honest and direct. We would not care about being right or wrong anymore - feedback included. Getting it right was our obsession.
Before this realisation, I always thought “honesty usually hurts”. I realized it’s not honesty that hurts but “delusion”. If you keep a feedback for yourself for 6 months and wait a feedback session to shoot, what hurts is the delusion to hear this feedback 6 months after, not the feedback itself.
But if you give feedback to someone the same day you saw something, it will not hurt. It may shock, but it will not hurt. This is a guiding life principle for me today: “Truth doesn’t hurt, it shocks. Delusion hurts and shocks”
6 months after I had this open conversation with team, my leadership style had changed completely and was leaning towards:
These 12 months had been a rollercoaster for me. Going from sucking at management completely to coaching people about management and sharing what worked well with my team.
Of course all of this did not happen by itself. After the first open meeting with my team, I felt I could not fail them anymore and had to do my homework. I paid with my own savings for a 6 days management course and started reading tons of books: feedback, vulnerability, ownership, culture, performance through objectives, non violent communication, it literally became a passion to me.
It’s been two years now since this crazy period happened. But my passion has remained the same: how to get the best from people! How to create the best conditions for people to blossom and lean toward the best version of themselves.
Those last two years, tons of other things happened. I started coaching other managers as well as entrepreneurs. I took on a 70 hours coaching course and started to read books about coaching!
Today, despite some people thinking that “I’m too young” or that “I don’t have enough experience” I’m getting started as a Leadership & Management coach. Because this is what I love, because I know this is what I’m good at and as our dear friend Albert Schweitzer once said “Success is not the key to happiness. Happiness is the key to success. If you love what you are doing, you will be successful."
If my story resonated with you, feel free to share it with people around you - love is always appreciated!
If you feel like discussing how about best to support Leaders from your organisation, please reach out on LinkedIn or directly at plbn.coaching@gmail.com